Studio 49

good news:
I am engaged with Patrick! I was so happy. Actually happier than I expected. I could finally tell my mom about how wonderful Patrick is. Mom is in FL still staying at my oldest sister, Y who just gave birth to her first child, Evan - for 2 1/2 weeks(Aug-Sept) I helped her and mom who is visiting FL in order to help her as well. I held my dear nephew, Evan first right after C section. We can visit them and introduce Patrick.

bad news:
My sisters all knew about my relationship with Patrick and they have been ok with it. They had concerns about if he is the one or if I was trying to see the rosy side of it and I understand them knowing they mean well to me. When I told my mom the other day about our engagement and told her about our desire to visit my sister and her over video skyping, she was listening to what I said, showed not too much of surprise/shock and then she said "now you have to swear by god and me that you are going to explore your religion, catholic more deeply. " She basically wanted to cut some kind of trade in deal between my marriage and my religion. When I said no, she got upset how I am not willing to listen to her own mother and brought all the things she didn't like about me from the past and talked about other things that barely has anything to do with our situation right now. She said she hated me, didn't want to see me therefore she didn't need to see Patrick. I told her I would like to see Evan before they leave for Korea next Sunday. She said I had seen him enough and I didn't need to.

I wasn't surprised by the unnecessary subjects she rambled because that's how she has yelled at us for decades and pack them in one bundle and tag people as useless and stupid. Sometimes she add one more thing from her religion and judge people quickly without any hint of empathy or considering as conscienceless jerks/egos/etc.

If she challenged and blamed me about not telling her for so long, I wanted to apologize for isolating her and was willing to explain and apologize over and over. If she was not happy about Patrick due to not knowing him who she can't communicate well, I was willing to explain about him and our relationship over and over.

But when she plays religion card, I can't really do much about it. I am agnostic because I can't prove there's god or not. But, I am def against big organized religions that tell people what to believe or not, how to judge other people based on their dogma and influence the whole society systematically. I was very religious between 11 and 27 years old, but I realized religion actually made me feel guilty about who I am and being true to myself doesn't really matter. I seemed to go to hell based on my decisions. I got confused with between following my heart and being selfish. I am far from being perfect. I want to be a better person by actually observing, listening and sensing other people's life with my own true heart. 

Since my mom dominates my family and she expresses her emotion in extreme ways, my sisters get hurt by her and that caused pain to everybody. I always felt so horrible to my sisters. They didn't decided to judge me. Now mom's anger and resentment on me spreads dark clouds over my sisters. Y tried hard to convince me to try catholic "truly" even if it's not a hard core way. I feel so sorry for her because she watches Evan, has to respond to mom's anger and has to come up with some idea to be a peace maker between mom and me. I had a talk with my other two sisters and told them I don't know if I can do what mom wants me to do. When Y got that message, she was angry that I was not responding to her effort. That I am not giving up on my thoughts. That I am not taking their suggestions. She suspects my decision about Patrick. She told me not to call her. She wouldn't come to my wedding. She told me to do "whatever". 

I guess it's maybe Korean culture or it's just our family, but if you don't do things they tell you to do with well meaning, that means you ignore them. That means you think you are superior than they are. It doesn't matter that you still understand where they come from. The outcome and result is almost everything.

For me, that's the saddest part. I didn't express enough about my respect to them, my horrible feelings about hurting  them, my concerns about them, etc because it would inflame their anger even more.

I didn't feel that hurt, but rather astonished by mom's absurd forcing UNTIL my sister almost disowned me.
I still truly appreciate their concerns and respect their well meant opinion. I don't think their opinion is stupid, dumb or pointless at all. They have their point, but when they force me something fundamentally conflicting with who I am I just can't accept it to myself.
 
I feel so sorry for Patrick. He is sad about the situation, but he doesn't take it personally which I am very thankful. He still has open arms thinking that we are just being human. I feel sorry that my family members can't enjoy Patrick's personality. I feel so sorry for Patrick's family who love me, but they don't take it personally.

Life never goes as I plan, but that's why it's called life. 

You reread an old birthday card from a friend and realize it was one of the most sincere ones the friend put some meaningful time and thought into in the last 10 years.
I never realized that until now.

I should say thank you for that.

with a lot of pain?...

Best of the day
- My practice was amazing. Not that I played like Hillary Hahn, but I liked my music. I haven't practiced Elgar for a month, but it was still there. Actually I played better than a month ago. Some more interesting discoveries about my bow hold and how it works. Read Viextemps concerto No.5 because my student is playing it and I sucked in front of her for weeks. I remember how I played it in high school and got great grade. I love playing my instrument...

Worst of the day
- I didn't express P what I need well enough. I was simply expecting that we would have some time to talk, but he played tennis twice longer than usual. I started feeling anxious that we wouldn't have time to talk before I have to talk to mom about my situation. I hope I can do better.

Upcoming pleasure
- We're gonna play pops concert with James Bond music. Should I wear some 60's make up?

Upcoming concern
- The talk with mom. I don't know how it's gonna unfold. I am scared that I won't be able to convince mom or my other family. Maybe I am not believing 100% what is right for me.

makes me feel like a little loser-ish.
Orchestra may go on a strike.
My bf doesn't want to make a decision even though my green card situation doesn't look the most positive. We discuss heavily and I feel like it's great that I can have such an honest talk with him in a civil way, but feeling lost about my position in this relationship.
My sister and her new born son look so lovely. But the baby reminds me of my lost child.
I get along with mom better, but still the idea of living closer to her gives me headache.

Did I do it again? Did I drive myself to where I didn't want to be again?

I had a friend who I can talk to about anything any time.
I wish that would be my boyfriend, friend or one of my sisters.

Don't judge people too quickly even if you feel like you know that person very well. Maybe I can ask questions to know what the behind story is.

Start talking about your problem before it gets bigger and messy.  When you expose it, usually it feels like you pop a raw infected area or something...

Karl Rove killed Michael Jackson to cover the Pubs ass...