Rambling 04/28/2008
The lesson was great, of course. As usual.
How come he never gives up on me while I am asking fucking same question over and over and over...? With inspiration and enthusiasm?
My issues are...
1. I need to keep my balance otherwise I'll have really stiff body while playing. Neutral.
2. The timing of releasing is too late.
3. Officially my left thumb is stiff which prevents from sweet left fingers.
Sweet Moses can't commit anything, even seeing me exclusively, because of his wide open future and the fact that I live in fucking Michigan.
Although I was the only one who he got physically affectionate with to a certain level since our first meeting, he has dated other people and he will. That's what he said.
"But, I think you are awesome and I love hanging out with you!"
That all applies to all of your friends, buddy and that's not what I want from this unfortunately.
So I am OUT.
Quickly. Quietly. Sadly.
I finally accept his rejection.
That took fucking 7 months.
Deciding not to be pathetic took fucking 7 months.
Hopefully this time it is not so painful.
It doesn't feel so painful now, but I'm sure it will once I get home.
I'll sob for a while.
Good bye, my desperate sincerity!
You are now cage free. You can fly anywhere.
Maybe I will write him a letter in couple months, but he is not emotional person. So it won't make him feel anything anyway. And he may be actually fucking someone else by the time. So don't do it.
From this May 8th, I'll be past half of my life since I don't want to live more than 70 years.
What should I do for the rest of my life?
How should I live for the rest of my life?
Will I ever be able to share same weight/level/intensity of trust, love and bond with someone?
I really don't know
Mr.Milton gave me a hug wishing me a good luck with my next audition.
It was fully sincere.
I almost cried because it was not an empty gesture.
When I look back, he never gives empty gestures and never gives up.
I guess I'm incompetent with empty gestures.
When I have to accept those continuously simply because they don't mean badly or are "polite" and "appropriate", I can't stand them.
I wonder if they are still better than muted unspoken gaze and vibes.
I already started crying.
Fuckfuckfuck.
Will I ever stop being stupid?
Comments
The Art of Possibility
by Benjamin Zander, who is (or at least was at the time the book was written) the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra
It talks about a different way to look at life, and he uses little stories about his experience as a conductor and teacher to explain them. You might like it, or at the very least, it might make you feel a bit better.
Sorry you are having such a difficult time. :(
I know even "with someone," they can never fill whatever it is that's inside me. It's fun to have those feelings of connection, excitement and possibility but they're all in my mind. So, if it's all in my mind, I can work on making them for myself without illusion... or is that with illusions? :)
Thank you for thoughtful words!
I'm actually doing really well... I sobbed a little bit that day, but none afterwards. I feel very calm and neutral surprisingly. I don't feel like walking on the cloud - 'course not! :) - but, I don't feel sad or miserable either.
I'm just curious about my life....
@ gunderson bee,
that book is on my shopping list on Amazon. I am reading "the Circle" by Laura Day right now. It's about developing intuition, but it seems more like strengthening confidence and possibilities. But, I should get that book this summer.
@mad-tante,
I try to be my own wholeness. I don't want someone just to feel connected. I just get really attracted to people who makes me want to know more and ask second questions to them.
It's a quiet, yet explosive sensation to feel the enriched minds when two like-minded people share their thoughts and feelings. I tend to make friends only with people that I can share this sensation...
If that other person happens to be a cute man with a little more combination of attractive element, I'm in trouble. :)
I've been fine just by myself, but I would like see having a partner I can share my life with since it's almost a miracle to me and I would like to see that happens in my life...
Meanwhile, I'll develop more connection with the Daily Show, Colbert Report and Vox :)